First loves never die
by Sassynightcat
Summary: 12 years, a blight, demons, the world threatened twice. Warden Amell never forgot Cullen, and when they finally meet again will their love still be there? Will he be the same man she loved in the Circle, and will she still be the woman he loved?
1. Chapter 1

It had been years. So many years, and so many horrors had past through both of their lives. Now she was to see him again. Her armour glistening from the rain that pounded down around her, hair clinging to her face and the thunder shook the very mountain she trekked up.

She had imagined them meeting again in a more refined matter, where she maybe had washed before and was dry and comfortable. That was never her life though.

Not during the last 12 years anyway.

The fortress was rising up above her and her small party of Wardens. Her cousin was in the back whining like always, if it wasn't too hot it was to cold or rainy.

"I'm going to get a cold," she heard him mutter and she shot an irritated glance at him.

"I hope it takes your voice, Carver," she muttered "Stop whining, try to gather up some pride. We do not want the Inquisition to see us as whining idiots now do we?"

"No, ma'm" he muttered and she could see Nathaniel and Oghren snicker on the other side of her.

"You two, the same applies to you," she muttered and lengthened her step.

She was nervous, gripping her staff so hard that her knuckles grew white and tried to correct her hair to look less like a drowned rat. Would he remember her?

She hoped he would. It would be far too embarrassing if he didn't...

"Carver, what was your impression of Commander Cullen when you met him in Kirkwall?" she asked and the young Warden groaned.

It was the 47th time she had asked him that.

"He seemed stressed, angry and traumatized. His commander turned into an evil statue and the Chantry blew up," Carver replied "Why do you keep asking?"

"What was his view of mages?"

"That every mage was a risk. Which they are, no offence, ma'm,"

She nodded and felt a sting of hurt in her chest. It was true, but still.

She could still picture in her mind when she had last seen him in the Tower of Fereldan. He had been so scared, so tired... She hoped he was all right now. Happy. It was all she ever had hoped for him, that he would be happy.

As they reached the bridge leading into Skyhold she was considering just turning around and writing a letter to Leliana telling her to say hi and good work to the Inquisitor and to Cullen. She knew she couldn't, hell they had already seen the Wardens approach and risen the gate but still...

"Come on, Commander," Nathaniel said walking past her as she stood there hesitating "I want to get out of these wet clothes and get something warm to eat,"

She nodded and followed them.

A dwarf greeted them as they got into the courtyard, or rather; Greeted Carver.

"Junior! It was ages ago! How are you?"

Carver gave the dwarf a quick hug and started to introduce him to them all.

"And this, Varric, is the Hero of Fereldan. My cousin, Adrianna Amell,"

"It is an honour," the dward said bowing his head to her.

She nodded and pressed forward a smile;

"As is it to me, Mr Tethras. I have heard many good things of you from Carver,"

The dwarf laughed and glanced at her sullen Warden.

"I doubt it. Come, the Inquisitor and Red is dying to meet you, Warden Amell. Amell. It is insane how many of you there is doing heroic stuff,"

She smiled and followed him;

"Is Hawk still here? I was hoping to meet my famed cousin. Carver has spoken a lot about the adventures you all had together, but I am still to meet her,"

"She is, I think she is in the tavern at the moment though. Should I run and get her?"

"No hurry..." Adriana smiled and felt somewhat better when they got inside. The great hall of the Inquisitions fortress was huge, but still warm and she couldn't help but grin as she saw Leliana standing there on the left side of the Inquisitors throne.

The Inquisitor herself sat with one leg resting on the others knee waiting for them. A tall intimidating woman with long dark brown hair neatly put to the side. Her hand was softly glowing green. On her right was Seeker Cassandra Pentaghast, and Cullen.

He looked older, but still like Cullen. That perfect blond hair. His deep brown eyes. It was surely him.

Amell straitened her back and took on her serious face while approaching.

"Inquisitor Travellan, may I present to you the Hero of Fereldan, the Warden-Commander of Fereldan and mage extraordinaire; Adriana Amell with her entourage," Varric said and the Inquisitor nodded.

"Welcome, Warden-Commander Amell. We have been looking for you,"

"It has been brought to my attention, I am sad to say I was on a quest of my own. Unable to make contact or offer more support then I did," she replied and added "May I put forth my own deepest gratitude to the mercy that Your Grace showed my Order at Adamant. Had I known about Clarells plans I would have done anything in my power to stop her and to help the Inquisition against the Elder One,"

"Noted," the Inquisitor said "Leliana tells me you have come to claim Thom Rainier, the man who portrayed himself to be Warden Blackwall?"

"I have. His crimes against Orlais are none of my concern, but the impersonation of a Warden is. I wish him to be released into my custody,"

"Sounds fair," the Inquisitor mumbled and leaned back asking Cullen something.

He gave a small start when spoken to, as if he had been lost in thought, but then nodded, cleared his throat and said;

"Rainier is kept in the dungeon. I will accompany you there later, Warden-Commander and see to his release,"

"Thank you, Commander Cullen," she replied and hoped her voice did not sound weird or like that of a yearning maiden.

"I hope you will enjoy your stay here at Skyhold," the Inquisitor said burrowing her dark eyes into Adriana "And that the Grey Wardens and the Inquisition will have a fruitful alliance going forth,"

"As do I," Warden-Commander Amell replied, bowed her head again and stepped back.

Ambassador Josephine met up with them straight away and showed her and her men their quarters.

"Baths and dry clothes are already put behind the screen there. Dinner will be in an hour. If there is anything you need do not hesitate to ask," the Ambassador chirped as Amell started to lay down her bags and added "Cullen was very pleased to hear that you were in good health, Warden-Commander,"

Then she left before Amell could say anything about it. She felt her face grow hot and red and she bit her lip.

Had Leliana told the Ambassador? Of course she had. She had said that the ambassador and her were close friends, and that she thought the story of a mage and templar falling in love was too cute. She had surely told anybody she met.

Amell grumbled over the lack of privacy about her lost love as she undressed and slid down into the hot bath Josephine had put forth to her. This was beyond embarrassing.

Happy to hear she was at good health? What did that even mean? He had not looked happy when he spoke to her, just professional. She had heard rumours about him and the Inquisitor. And him and Seeker Cassandra.

She would not allow herself to be jealous. If he was happy then all was good. They would never have had any chance anyway. That had always been the case.


	2. Chapter 2

The sound of soft steps reached her as she laid there contemplating how to act neutral if he was in love and seeing someone else.

"Leliana?" she asked and a sigh confirmed her friends presence "You should not do that. I have had enough assassination plots against me to cast a spell and ask questions later,"

"But you did not," the spymaster replied and came around the screen and sat down on a footstool next to the bathtub.

"I am around friends, am I not?" Amell replied and sighed "Am I?"

"You are," Leiliana ensured her and handed her a soap smelling lovely of lavender "The Inquisitor was impressed by your entrance,"

"She was? I could not tell. She seems like a stern woman?"

"She is devout, and dedicated to restoring order to Thedas. The Wardens actions at Adamant made it difficult for her to greet you in any other fashion. She is a bit unsure about you too, after all she trained to be a templar before all this came to be,"

Amell sighed. Devout, a templar candidate. She would be perfect for Cullen.

"Well... Cassandra, Cullen and her must be a blast together," she mumbled and stared at her foot peaking up out of the water.

Her little toe was chafed from the trek up the mountain.

"They are not a couple," Leliana replied eyeing her friend "He has not been with anyone for what I know, and I would know,"

Amell turned bright red again. She really was obvious.

Leliana laughed and took the soap, put it down in the water and gestured to the Warden to wet her hair. Adriana obliged and sighed of relief when her friend softly began to massage her scalp and working the soap into her hair.

"Has he said anything? I feel like a fool. It has been a decade. I really don't expect anything but... seeing him again... I don't know. My heart just skipped a few beats,"

"He has not. Cullen is very private. I think he thinks I would tell on him if he said anything," Leliana chuckled "I don't know where he got that idea,"

"Oh I do. From his common sense. You told the Ambassador my secret did you not? She was all giggles when she left. Saying he was happy to know I was at good health,"

"Oh he was," Leliana purred "He got all blush and distracted when I told them you were coming. He spent a great deal of time on his hair this morning,"

"Why? His hair is always perfect," Adriana sighed "He looked... troubled. I guess it was only to expect, with all he have been through the last few years but... still... What should I say? Should I say anything to him? This is so weird. I spent everyday for years near him, and now... I feel like a stranger,"

"Just be yourself," Leliana replied "You are a treasure, Adriana, don't worry about it. Josephine and I have planned it all for weeks now. It will be amazing,"

Fear gripped the Warden-Commander when those words were uttered. Planned what?

She glanced up on Leliana and stuttered;

"Planed what? Leliana what have you done?"

"Oh nothing special, just a small ball honoring you, Hawk and the Inquisitor as the Heros of Thedas. The women that saved us all over and over again. Nothing huge, just a few nobels, some music and of course dancing. Especially you dancing with Cullen,"

Leliana looked like a cat that had just caught its prey. In a friendly kind of way but still intimidating.

"Leliana I can't! I can't dance! And.. what if he does not want to? What if I trip and set him on fire?"

"What? Don't be silly. It will be amazing, and then he will take you to walk the garden and the rain will have stopped and you will kiss in the moonlight,"

Lelianas eyes were glittering with the dreams she had for her friend.

"..."

The Warden-Commander commander was at a loss for words.

It would be disastrous. She knew it. He would have moved on by now for sure. It would end in tears.

"I like your new hair," Leliana mumbled "It is longer then when we met,"

"Well.. yes... I thought maybe I wouldn't be in places where I risk getting caught in a while," Adriana mumbled "So I... try to have it long at the moment,"

"It is very pretty, I bet Cullen will like snuggling up to it,"

"Please shut up" Adriana groaned thinking of the embarrassment that would be this evening.

Leliana had really outdone herself with the preparations. Adriana suspected it stemmed from that talk 10 years ago where she had admitted to never going to a fancy party, wearing any fancy clothes or having danced the night away. She had been like a wide-eyed girl when Leliana had told her about Orlais. Now, not so much.

10 years of fighting darkspawn, saving the world and being the Hero of Fereldan had shredded much of her girl like demeanour. She had put all those hopes and dreams aside to be the woman she needed to be. Not everyone was meant to dance nights away on fancy soirées.

Yet there she was, in a long dark blue and silver gown. Her long dark brown hair was carefully orchestrated with gems and silver threads and Leliana had lent her a wonderful pair of shoes that matched the whole ensemble.

"I... I don't look like me," Adriana mumbled spinning slowly in front of a mirror.

"You look regal," Leliana mused "He will fall off his feet,"

"I hope not. I don't want him hurting himself," Adriana mumbled failing to realize the joke in her state of slight panic.


	3. Chapter 3

Leliana led the way down to the great hall where the ball was to be held. She informed Adriana of all the important people who would be there, including Alistair and Anora.

Adriana feared Alistair might laugh out loud when he saw her. They hadn't seen each other since he had arrived with Fereldan troops to help her at the siege of Vigils Keep.

The room gasped as she entered, she could see some of her Wardens whisper in disbelief when they saw her.

She could understand their whispers, she looked nothing like their practical tomboy of a commander. She felt beautiful.

Cullen was staring, standing to the right of the Inquisitor. Alistair grinned from his place next to Anora.

It felt like a dream, and even more so when Cullen after a few conversations with others came up to her and somewhat embarrassed mumbled;

"Would you honour me with a dance, Warden-Commander?"

She couldn't help but smile and gave him a nod, offering him her hand.

"It would be an honour, Commander,"

She could hear the room gasp and whisper as he took her out on the floor, but that all soon faded as she lost herself to the moment.

He was a much better dancer than she had thought he would be, and he felt as strong and safe as she remembered. For the first time in years she relinquished her command and let him sweep her away across the dancefloor, losing herself to his deep brown eyes.

"You look well," he said as they danced away.

She didn't know what to answer, so said a bit foolishly;

"Thanks. As do you. Do you like it here? With the Inquisition?"

"I guess," he replied "I mean... I do the Makers work here, and protect the innocent from evil. That is good,"

"It is," Adriana agreed, amazed with how muscular his back felt to her hand and over how handsome he was "I am glad to see you do so well,"

He smiled, that small almost hidden smile she remembered so well. It disappeared for a moment when she stepped on his toe. She felt her face grow red and she mumbled;

"I am sorry.. I am a terrible dancer...I don't...go to many parties,"

"It's nothing," he assured her and she noticed he was blushing too "You look magnificent tonight,"

"It is Lelianas doing. She got me all of this. I don't think I own another dress. Darkspawn seldom stop just because you look pretty, and dresses are very impractical when fighting. I do not get how mages still stick to robes when outside of a Circle. Really it is insane. I dropped my as soon as I could for some light armour with enchantments. Do you Templars have the same problem? I mean you have a kind of robe like attire too, but then again you aren't a templar any more are you? Was that insensitive of me? Gosh I am bad at this.. I am ranting am I? Was that your foot I stepped on again? I am so sorry Cullen, I really am. I do not mean to embarrass you in front of everybody, I am am I not? Maker save me..."

He smiled again and softly said;

"Do you want to step outside?"

"Yes!"

She didn't mean to sound that desperate, but it made him laugh at least. He just smiled and led her out into the garden.

It had stopped raining.

She felt his warm hand holding hers and her heart was pounding.

He wasn't a templar any more, it wasn't forbidden for them to care about each other.

She saw him turn his eyes up towards the sky, where the scars of the Breach were still shimmering.

"It feels like it was a lifetime ago," he mumbled

"I can understand. It was really just about a year ago though?" she said standing right next to him, not letting go of his hand.

His head jerked her way, looking confused and then he laughed softly;

"Oh you meant the Breach. I was... thinking about the Circle. Those days when we saw each other every day. It seems like it was another life now. All that routine, the same faces everyday. Nothing new really, until... well... until your Harrowing and Duncans arrival I guess,"

She nodded.

It had been another life. So much had changed since. She had changed so much since. He had changed.

"Well... I guess the Maker didn't have such ordinary plans for either of us," she said with a sigh "I miss it sometimes. The comforting stability of it. I never had to fear what would come next there. The rules were set, and I knew them well,"

"It was an illusion though," Cullen sighed "I... I am glad that they forced you to leave when they did,"

Her heart froze. What did he mean by that? Had he not wanted her there, next to him?

"I don't know what would have become of me if they had slaughtered you during the uprising," he continued, his face growing dark and tormented by the memories.

"Cullen..." she mumbled, squeezing his hand and stepping closer.

"It tortured me with the memory of you," he said in a broken tone "I didn't... It still haunts me,"

"It wasn't real," she mumbled and put her hand on his cheek, turning his face towards her catching his eyes "Cullen. It wasn't real. You stood strong against the demon, and we saved them. You did everything right,"

"I wanted to kill them," he mumbled "I still worry that maybe there is a blood mage hiding there, among those you saved. Or that... I am sorry... I should not burden you. We haven't met in 10 years and I dump all of this on you. I am sorry,"

"Do not apologies" she whispered "I... I care. I want you to feel free to talk to me. I understand. It was my home too. I saw what happened. I... I wasn't there to prevent it, and for that I will always feel guilty. I am so... I just want you to be happy and safe,"

His hidden smile returned. His hand clasped hers as it rested on his cheek, and he smiled.

"You still are the Adriana Amell I remember," he whispered as if he was in awe "Still the kindest, sweetest girl in Thedas,"

She blushed and turned away her gazed mumbling;

"I... I hardly count as a girl any more. I just... I'm just glad to see you doing well and that you have found your place. Leliana speaks highly of you. I've... missed you, and worried,"

"Worried?"

"Well... yes... when they told me you had gone to Kirkwall...and what happened there. I was afraid you would... break. You had every reason to hate mages after that. To... hate us all,"

"I did. For a while, it is not something I am proud of. I could never really commit myself to the hate though, because of you,"

"Because of me?" she glanced at him, a bit confused.

He nodded and looked uncomfortable. Biting his lips and eyes dancing all over the place.

"No matter how dark my mind got I... I always remembered our time together," he stuttered "How kind and loving you were. Like the time when I got a cracked rib from training and you secretly healed me so Greagoir wouldn't find out... or..." he blushed and fell silent.

She smiled.

They had been so young back then. So innocent.

It truly had been another life.

"Well.." she mumbled a bit unsure of what to say "I..I guess you don't have any cracked ribs now?"

A genuine, surprised laugh bubbled out of him and he stared at her shaking his head as he continued to chuckle and she turned into a brighter tone of red.

"No. No I am fine, thank you," he chuckled "It is.. it is truly good to speak to you again,"

She smiled, felt a bit awkward and looked out over the garden. It was a nice garden. She had no idea on what to do next.

It had gone ten years and she still had no idea what to do.

Maybe she had been lucky to be brought into the Grey Wardens and to have spent the last 10 years being in constant peril instead of being expected to become some kind of socialite or leader in a context where leaders weren't appointed by how much damage they could do to their enemy.

She squirmed for a bit and chewed on her bottom lip, trying not to look at him.

She was sure she looked foolish when she did look at him. It wasn't her fault though, it was his fault. He was just too darn handsome.

"So... Good job on closing the Breach," she finally said, feeling like a fool as soon as the words left her mouth.

"Thanks,"

"That Inquisitor. She seems... good. Like she get things done,"

"She does. She is very competent,"

"Good. It is always good when leaders are competent,"

"It is,"

"Yes,"

They fell silent again.

"So... do you like being a Warden?"

He seemed to be grasping for a topic as well.

"I guess. I mean.. It gives me purpose. I..get to see the world. That is good I guess. Meet a lot of interesting people,"

"That is good,"

"Yes... It is. Sometimes it is a bit hard. With all the death and horror but... I manage. I mean, they know to appreciate a healer at least,"

"I bet they do, and you always were a very good healer,"

"Thank you,"

"So... That Nathaniel guy... He is handsome?"

"Is he? I guess... Have never really looked at him like that,"

She was confused by his comment. Nathaniel? Why did he bring up Nathaniel?

"...I see... anyone else that... you know... you keep company with?"

Keep company? What was he talking about?

Oh by the Maker... She finally understood and felt her face burning.

"No! No no no! Nobody. I am all alone. No man at all!" she blurted out in a panic.

Maybe she could set fire to herself? That might distract him from the train-wreck of a person she was?

"I mean.. I .. I have never looked for another man... A man. Like... I mean.."

She was falling over her own words at this moment and took a deep breath and said what she had wanted to say all along;

"I have never wanted anyone but you,"

Dead silence. He didn't even move, she was not sure he even breathed. She panicked, loosened her hand from his and started walking out into the garden. Away from him. She could surely climb the wall or something. Jump from it. If she died she would not have to face him again and she would stop blushing. Maybe turn into a bird and never ever assume human form again? Run inside and make her Wardens kill her? Anything.

She could hear him come after her, he surely said her name but she was to panicked to notice.

She almost fell when he grabbed a hold of her hand and pulled her towards him, then everything disappeared from her mind.

It was as if the world stopped. Time seized, and nothing existed but them.

His kiss was not forceful, but longing. Tender and yearning.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and couldn't help but squeal a little when he lifted her a few inches of the ground never letting the kiss go.

He tasted of sweet breads and wine. His stubble rubbed against her skin and there was nothing she had ever wanted more then that to continue forever. She pulled closer, renewed the kiss with more vigor and rested her forehead against his when it ended, giving him smaller shorter kisses. His lips felt just as perfect against hers as they had 12 years ago.

"...There could never be anyone but you," he whispered, returning her small kisses softly, stroking her cheek in awe "Not one day has passed since you left that tower to fight the Blight that I have not thought about you. Wished for just one more kiss, one more chance to tell you that I love you. I had given up on realizing that dream when I heard that you had disappeared with the other Wardens,"

She smiled, still in a euphoric daze and mumbled;

"Never give up on an Amell, Cullen. We are notoriously hard to kill,"

"That much I have gathered," he replied with a chuckle "Leliana told me you had cured the Calling?"

"Yes," she mumbled "I did... Cullen... I don't know if I could stay. The Wardens still need me, and I don't want to... chain you down,"

"If my love to you are chains, I will gladly bare them," he answered kissing her forehead "And I understand your duty to the Wardens. Just... maybe we could try to see each other more often then every 12th year?"

She nodded. Uncertain what to say or what to expect. It felt so unreal.

"We need to work it out, logistically," she mumbled fingering on his collar, "But we can make it work, I'm sure,"

"Otherwise, lets savour tonight," he mumbled and kissed her again.

A statement she agreed on, and they did by ignoring the rest of the party and sneaking up to his quarters. Not to be seen before noon the next day.


End file.
